Today

I'm definitely feeling something today. I don't know what the biggest driving factor is, but something just feels different.

It's subtle. Lurking. Dramatic... oh wait; that's just me.

I was playing Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 yesterday. It's kinda blowing up online and I'm a sucker for RPGs with flair. I doubt anyone is here reading this who cares about the opening 2 hours of the game, but if you don't want spoilers, close this tab I guess. You've been warned! The opening act tells the goodbye story of two lovers who went their separate ways some time before and are unceremoniously reunited before the fair maiden is sentenced to death by fate. There was a mix of sadness between the two characters as they both understood what was about to happen, but also a hint of flirtatiousness that gave a glimpse into the life that they had previously shared together before ultimately deciding to break up (years before the start of the game).

Their final hours together were just, normal. The city was decorated for the macabre festival that marked the event and people were out in the streets doing normal people stuff. Dancing, music, food, circus; the whole enchilada (baguette?). Perhpas it was the music, or the gentle undertone to all of the characters showcased in that opening act; the atomosphere felt different than the days that came before. Though at the same time, we also know that this deadly event ocurred like clockwork once a year.

It's with that backdrop that I entered today. I didn't sleep super well and was tossing and turning at 5:00. Managed to doze back off until my alarm hit at 6:15. Dressed, find my keys, and out the door to work in time to catch the 7:04 train. A fairly average commuting day. The timetable for catching a decent bus to work has been working out, so that's nice (though the 15 skipped our stop entirely today on the return trip...). Work was pretty normal, a day filled with only a few distractions as Paul and I push to finish our project before my vacation starts next week.

Maybe it was waiting for that damned bus for an hour, but as I was standing there, my mind started to wander. More and more, I've come across the general idea present in Atomic Habits. If you're unfamiliar, one of the key takeaways is that to build a succesful habit, you must first begin by telling yourself that you're a person who does that thing. By building this "fake" persona for yourself, you create and cultivate the neural pathways to reinforce that idea into your psyche. It might start as a "lie" you tell yourself, but over time, those words become a part of your identity and eventually, theoretically, you "build the habit" by redefining yourself as a person with that habit. This idea is not particularly new and can be found across time and space from the ancient stoics to modern woo-woo manifestation gurus.

As it pertains to myself, I've always struggled with this concept. Maybe I'm too educated for my own good. Like any decent professional, it's always easier to absorb and even share book knowledge than it is to apply those principles to your life. For me, I've been struggling to find the line between positive self talk contrasted with introspection and an effort to live by values. I'll share some examples of all sides here.

About two years ago, I decided that I wanted to be a "nicer" person. If you don't know me personally, I can be quite sarcastic. "Loveable asshole" has been thrown around in one form or another by different friends over the years. At some point though, I just decided that it didn't make sense to always need a quip or a witty comeback, and having moved to a new country, now is a pretty good opportunity to start fresh. Lots of new people to meet make it easy to start over and it just kinda made sense. Logical, straightforward, actionable. Don't get me wrong, I can still be a dick, but I think I've come a long way.

You don't have to go far back on this blog to learn about my weight loss journey. What's crazy to me looking back, is that I used to have this habit that I now so desperately desire, 6 years ago. I was focused, I had a good rhythm and schedule for interfacing with food and was making great progress. After the COVID plateau, it's been a bumpy ride of ups and downs. I have all of the knowledge, I have the skills, but the grit is just not there most days.

What worries me, is that I've heard a few times now that one way to kickstart a new habit is "finding your why". However, I'm not sure if I'm doing it wrong or if I'm self sabotaging or if I'm chasing some idealic value that I don't actually care about.

• I want the person in the mirror to match what's in my head.
• I want to be healthy for my family. Not just my wife now, but my future kids.
• Life is easier if you're "normal" in statistically significant ways. Airplanes, buying clothes, etc.

While writing this list, I started with the second point, but then moved it after checking myself. If I'm honest, I just want to look better. Is this body dismorphia? Probably. Is this an eating disorder? Probably. Is it still a good idea to be healthier and lose 50 more pounds? Probably.

Now I'm just sad. Eating sounds good right about now. And that's the problem at the end of the day. Food is the answer for all of life's problems. Emotional eating is the bane of my existence. I have no idea what hunger feels like. I just get pissed at myself and then solve that emotional disregulation with more food.

Are all of the "whys" bullshit? Do I actually not care about any of these things and the only thing I actually care about is chilling next to the hedonic treadmill with a bag of chips and dip? I don't shoot heroin or snort cocaine so I guess that's a plus.

I just want to feel different. I've listened to enough John Delony to know that chasing that feeling is likely not enough. Feelings change. Life changes. But now I'm stuck in this limbo where I know that I can do better but I can't seem to find the motivation or willpower to move forward.

Since it's getting late, to tie it back to the video game, I connected with the characters because they had some measure of certainty about the situation at hand. She was going to die. It wasn't a matter of if, or when; there was a countdown and everyone knew it was coming. We don't ever get that certainty however. Sure, some things are pretty certain, but not everything. The protaganist departed on the expedition to save the world on the following day. He had a goal and a purpose that pushed him to keep going when all hope had seemed to die before him. My question now is, can I find that same purpose before it's too late?