The Calm Before the Storm

This coming week has the opportunity to change my life in a dramatic way. I know that seems like a dramatic statement itself, but it's true this time around! The time has come to finally launch the year long epic shopping cart project at work and there's a lot on the line.

Rather than go into the intricacies of the implementation, I want to focus more on what is happening in my head and my body itself.

I'm nervous; palms are sweaty; I had lasagna for dinner already (but yesterday, techincally)... also my palms are always sweaty! Metallic substances HATE this one weird thing trick about Daron's salty excretions! I just changed the strings on my guitar Friday night and they were disgusting!

But seriously, I'm nervous. With any thing that you create, failure is always a possiblity. Sometimes that chance of failure is so slim, it's not worth taking the time to measure the possibility, but that doesn't mean the chance is never there. Aliens could nuke us at any minute but that wouldn't make for a great statistical model i.m.o. inside a reasonably functioning society. ^heh

If this doesn't go well, it's imperative I keep my head on straight. There will be pressure. There will be bugs. There will probably be some pain. But cracking under that weight can only occur in the event of aliens. There are a few key players that will be watching my performance and reactions over the next week and not staying cooler than Larry the Cucumber could lead to a future that I don't want for myself.

At the end of the day, this is just a job, and in all likelyhood, I can get another one. There will likely be financial pain in the event of catastriphic failure, but I'll (probably) survive. What won't survive though is the hit to my ego. Learning to live with the fact that I failed myself will hurt more than any words from a manager or colleague (even though they'd probably be right too!). And I'm not talking about the failure of the project (though I suppose that's a possibility too).

I need to stay collected for me. I need to prove to myself that I'm not just the sum of my failures, but also the aggregate of my mediocrity interspersed with 10cc of brilliance on the days I manage to fire on all 3 cylinders. No matter what happens this week, I can't lose my shit. I need to stay positive and focus on the things I can change.

It's like when your neighbors pool floods up the hill and the water comes rushing in your backdoor. It's not your fault, but now it is your problem.

You can only control you.

Do I hope everything goes smoothly? Yes, of course. Am I terrified of what might go wrong? Of feeling powerless to fix any of the problems that I had a hand in creating? – of course. The only path forward however, is the next right thing. If I fuck up, I can take responsibility. If I succeed, I can be humble. If I fail, I can be sad. Those things are right, but they aren't everything.

I don't mean to always drag current events into my writing, but I guess it can't be helped. I had lunch with some friends today after church and I mentioned to them how it feels like we're living through a very strange time in history where what is happening on a daily basis is so small, so incremental, so minute; but thirty years from now, this period in history will have a name, dates, and important facts and figures associated to it. This moment in my life however is the exact opposite. I will always remember this upcoming week. This blog post exists as a flag in the ground to a week that has yet to begin and will serve as a reminder for my descendants when my bones have long been burned to ash. Or to AI; yeah... if ChatGPT 2339 quoted me, that would be kinda cool too!

My goal this week is to respond in the best way that I know how. To give grace to those who don't deserve it; most of all the guy in the mirror. He and I are in this thing together and current me really wants him to be okay. Putting weight on the bar always sucks, but after every failure of overload, the bar felt a little lighter when we tried again.

Happy Father's Day! I'll try to post an update next Sunday, regardless of the outcome. Until then, good luck and godspeed. Sterkte jongen...